She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
