I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Farmville is her only friend.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
