Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
