Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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