I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I want to make a zoo with you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
