Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
