I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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