I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
