those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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