Acid is not a monday night drug
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
