we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
