If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
