Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
