What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
