Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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