Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize