I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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