Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
