If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
