Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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