I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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