I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
