today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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