Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
