I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
