1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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