I wanna bring you to show and tell
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
