There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
