i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
