Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
