I could make wine with my vomit
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
