the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
