I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
