i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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