2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
