Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
