I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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