apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
