bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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