just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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