Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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