my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
