we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
