My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
