YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
