My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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