Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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