best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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