I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
