right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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