Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You smell like stripper and shame
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
