I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
