I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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