They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
