I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
