More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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