her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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