chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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