You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize