Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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