When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
