Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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