Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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