it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
