apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
