dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
